Many of you here at LJ know that I'm bipolar, which seems to be the PC way of saying that I'm manic depressive. Personally, I far prefer manic depressive, as it's SO much more descriptive. The symptoms of the illness tend to recur most often when there are a lot of stressors in my life, as there have been for the last few months, and once in a horrible while, I am beset with the nasty happenstance of mixed states. 

The name gives it all away - I'm manic and depressed all at the same time. The mania usually manifests itself with severe anxiety, including those moments where I think that I'm either suffocating or having a heart attack. I am also ill-tempered and nasty during mixed states.  Also, I tend not to sleep very much. But instead of the usual manic euphoria and feelings of creativity, power, and sexual lust, I feel so depressed that I just want to stay under the covers in my bed for fucking ever, cry until there are no kleenexes left on the planet, and be tended to by loving [and probably slavishly devoted] caregivers. A lot of sleep usually factors into my wishes - about 18-20 hours a day would be nice, and the fact that I don't sleep at these times is probably a large reason why I long for so much nap time and so desperately!

After losing my temper at my daughter yesterday morning before school, I was careful about my temper for the rest of the day, and when I felt my wrath, for no reason, turning towards my husband last night, I explained to him that it would be far more sensible if he stayed downstairs to watch TV while I went upstairs and read a book, for being in the same room as me at the moment was utterly dangerous.  This morning, thinking that I was better, we dropped our elder daughter off at work and then went to run errands - by the end of errand number one I was already furious with him [not entirely sure why, looking back], and I managed to wreck the entire morning with my temper. We tried again to go out a couple of hours later and my temper was much improved, but both of us were on tenterhooks - John wondering if my temper was going to blow, and me wondering if my temper was going to blow - I honestly feel completely out of control sometimes when manic. Although I by no means wish to deny personal responsibility for my actions, sometimes it feels like an alien has taken over my mind, as when I am not in the grip of mania I would never want to hurt the people I end up hurting during my manic times. 

I hate it also when the mixed states are over, because then I find out that I've hurt people and need to apologize and make reparations. Of course it's the right thing to do, but even now that I'm on the best combination of medications that I've ever had, and feel sane for most of the time, sometimes my condition slips through the cracks and I lose it. It bugs the crap out of me that this is a disease that will never go away. I don't feel sorry for myself, just annoyed that I have it because it really sucks. It could be a lot worse, I know, but it's not exactly pleasant, and really puts a strain on some relationships. 

Note: I just explained to my teenaged son, who was playing Guitar Hero not 5 feet away, that I am in a terrible mood, and that I felt my temper towards him growing for no particular reason, and advised him to leave the room and stay away from me for the rest of the evening. And to tell his best friend, who's here for the weekend, the same advice. [I've known his best friend well for 11 years so feel no hesitation in confiding; he knows this family intimately.] It pains me to have to hand out this advice but I honestly don't want to lose the temper I feel rising inside of me. Time to read something old and familiar, I think. James Herriot, perhaps? Or continue the excellent Annie Proulx novel, "Accordion Crimes", that I'm now reading. Who knows? 

Mental illness sucks.