Unfortunately, in the land of the bipolar - some of you know it as manic-depressive - the one thing I absolutely must do before I go to bed at night is take my pills. I have discovered, and it's been a horrible discovery to make, that missing even one night of my pills means that my moods are way out of whack for several days. 

I find this upsetting on so many levels. I think the thing that I find the most distressing is the knowledge that I am sufficiently mentally ill that I can never miss a dose. I don't want to be this sick. Rationally, I understand that it's a physical illness, and that it's the same as a heart patient always taking their heart medicine, or a diabetic always taking their insulin, but because it's a mental illness, I always feel like I am just one dose of pills away from madness. There are so many "what ifs" that could result in me missing some doses of pills that I always carry extras, as I never want to end up as a crazed madwoman, talking to the birds in my home in the park. 

The other thing that bothers me is that I can never just fall asleep at night. I used to fall asleep in front of the TV a lot. John and I would go downstairs and watch TV and I'd get drowsy; he'd tuck me in and I'd spend the night there. That never happens anymore, can never happen again. It's a simple thing, but I miss it. My pills are powerful enough to sedate an elephant, so the option of taking them and then going downstairs and watching a movie isn't available.....so that lovely soporific falling asleep watching TV is gone forever, and it's something I used to love, something I found so comfortable. Now if I feel drowsy watching TV, it's bedtime, game over. 

As I've said before, and will say again, mental illness sucks.